Small Talk

People tell me that I’m very personable. I don’t get it. I don’t really know how I have friends. Well, that’s not true. I have friends because I’m fabulous. What I don’t understand is how I made friends in the first place. The concept of small talk is lost on me. I don’t know what to say to start a conversation, I get anxious thinking about it, and there’s just…so much pressure to be social, oh my gosh make it stop!!!


I’m better now. I took a deep breath, drank some water, crawled out of the corner of my room, I’m good. So it’s established, it is highly unlikely for me to ever start conversations with strangers. And I only fare slightly better when they initiate the conversation. Small talk is all about getting to know the other person without being too intrusive and just seeing if you like them, right? You’d do this by asking basic questions to get people talking, generally. Well ‘basic’ is a foreign word to me, and questions that seem perfectly reasonable to ask end up being the most difficult questions for me to answer. Like when people ask, “what’s your favorite color?”

Wait, do people even ask about your favorite color anymore? Did they ever? I don’t know, I don’t small talk. But that sounds normal right? It shouldn’t though. That’s a hard question. I am not a fan of being limited to one of…anything really. My favorite color changes all the time. Sometimes my favorite color is moreso a color combination. So you would ask me my favorite color and I’d say nautical.

“That’s not a color.”

You’re quite right…Nosy McAskerton! It’s three. I’m referring to the combination of yellow, navy, and sand/white, obviously. 

And back before I realized other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter to me, my favorite color was yellow. Me and yellow go way back. We were cool all throughout my early childhood. But the fam told me that yellow was a stupid color to love. Teachers told me I couldn’t write or draw with yellow because it was too bright to see. I tried to wear yellow, but my parents told me I was yellow enough, I needed contrast. I didn’t want contrast, I wanted YELLOW.

But the world told me that yellow and I could never be. So I left my love and moved on to purple.

Purple and I had a long run. My room was purple all throughout middle school. I remember my stepmother made me these awesome purple curtains to match my purple bedspread with this huge stuffed bow thing in the middle of it. It was my little purple oasis. I even wrote with purple. And it was close enough to blue that my teachers were chill. Nobody was going to tear me and purple apart. Purple was a color everyone could approve of. It’s the color of royalty. I picked a winner for sure. Times were great. Until…

This squiggle above ^^^ That’s my concept of purple. A rich mixture of the lovely colors red and blue…I think. Kindergarten was a long time ago, give me a break. Anyways, I like royal purple, indigo, violet. Magenta is alriiiiight. But never have I been fond of the sorry excuse for a color that is lavender. And that’s all anyone ever gave me as a gift. Lavender EVERYTHING. Lavender book covers, lavendar notebooks, lavender clothes…that they expected me to wear or something. THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE!

Kidding, I appreciate all gifts. But I just really detest lavender. I’m sure if SATAN had a favorite color, it’d be lavender. I just imagine hell as a lavender wasteland with lavender flames that never stop burning in all of their disgusting lavender…ness. I mean what the heck is lavender??? Is it purple? Is it gray? Can it make up its mind? Whose idea was it to mix those two colors together to make such an atrocity?

If lavender were a person, it’d be Egg Ann from Arrested Development. If lavender were a food, it’d be oatmeal. If lavender were a movie, it’d be Sharknado. It’s just terrible and full of fail, I can’t stand it.

I got so offtrack, I digress.

Lavender drove a wedge into my relationship with purple, and we just never recovered. I didn’t know where to turn, so I just picked a color at random, and that color was green. I didn’t really care about green, but it wasn’t lavender so I was happy. I eventually grew to love green the more I wore it and bought green things. Green was nice, but it wasn’t a popular favorite color, which made the hipster in me like it all the more. I still quite fancy green, but it’s not my favorite color anymore. Nope, everything went south when someone decided to make it a verb.

No, I’d rather not…

I couldn’t buy anything that didn’t have a recycling sign on it. I wore green and suddenly it became some kind of environmentalist political statement. I don’t care about nature, I just like green, dang it all!

note: I do care about nature, but I don’t care to declare that everytime I wear green. Everything’s not about nature all the time, geez.

That got annoying. Green got too popular and political. So I went a long time without a favorite color after that. I was just scarred and bitter. But I have since returned to yellow. My first love. And we are very happy together, thanks for asking. Wasn’t this post about something completely different? I don’t even rememb… Oh right, I was talking about small talk. Well, I guess that tangent proved everything. I don’t do the small talk. So let’s just skip the questions and be friends, okay? Cool, you’re the best.