Lazy is the New Black

Does anybody remember old Barbie ads that had that annoying jingle singing, “It’s a great time to be a girl?”

What was that supposed to mean? That your freedom to buy an outrageously anatomically-incorrect plastic person with features that represent only 2 percent of the world’s population suddenly made life worth living? Oh, …okay.

I forgot my point. And we’ve only just begun. Gyahhh

GOT IT.

Okay so anyways, Barbie lied. NOW is the great time to be a girl! Wanna know why? Because fashion is phoning it in and we can all rejoice in not having to try so hard anymore. But at the same time I don’t like the dropped standards. It’s kind of ridiculous. Am I the only one who sees the obvious origins of these fads? They all look like fashion faux pas that somebody told the world were in so they wouldn’t have to put in effort. Please don’t tell me you actually consider any of these groundbreaking innovation.

Ombre Hair

I remember growing up, not knowing much about hair dye…or white people, and looking at blonde women with dark hair at their roots and thinking, “Wow that’s so cool how your hair changes color right there!” And they would always respond in irritation and/or embarrassment. I never understood until much later, and even after that I still thought roots showing looked pretty neat. When this ombre thing started trending, I thought huh, that looks like someone just decided to stop getting touch ups and grow out their roots… And they called it fashion, and now it’s a thing.

Ankle-length Pants

This one actually offends me. As a kid, there was a long period where I would grow out of pants about every two weeks. I remember one day I told my dad my jeans didn’t fit anymore…again, and he exploded, vowing to only buy me capris until I stopped growing. The high-water struggle is a dark time in every tall child’s life, and no part of it is fun. You’re already awkward and lanky and have too much limb than you know what to do with, and then on top of that your clothes don’t fit? You’re a freak. And your grade school classmates never fail to remind you. But now you’re older and past all of that just to have your childhood traumas thrown back in your face thanks to fashion telling everyone that ankle-length pants are STYLISH? Listen, I don’t care who says it, THEY ARE NOT AND THEY WILL NEVER BE. THOSE ARE HIGH-WATERS, AND THEY MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A BEACH HOBO. Go find some pants that fit, or face the scrutiny of your peers like we all had to do.

Backpacks

Now this trend I stand behind. Because I shouldn’t be trusted to bring anything back home if it isn’t attached to me. Do you know how many handbags I’ve lost over the years? If I put it down, there is a pathetically high chance it is not getting picked back up. And you have to actively carry handbags and purses. Like you’re always aware of them as you walk around. You can’t forget they’re there because they’ll start to slip off of your shoulder or get uncomfortable and you have to switch them to your other side. Just awful, and God forbid you need that arm for something! So busy holding your purse you can’t judo flip anyone at a moment’s notice. You clutch a purse and you’re taking a risk, man. And fashion agrees, and made backpacks fancyyyyy. Made them cute. Gave them a bunch of compartments! I love compartments.

Clumpy Mascara

What the feezy is this?

Why? I don’t think that looks okay. And I am queen of the IDGAFF look. The first F is for flying fyi, because I’m fly AYE EFF!!! Kidding. But just, no. Apply your mascara correctly, is it really that hard? I don’t even know what I’m doing and I manage fine.

 

I always say I’d rather be good at looking bad than being bad at looking good, but this is just overkill. And I’m not cut out to be cool, so I don’t like this impending pressure should fashion continue in this direction. So please, go back to trying. It’s a better look for you.

Advertisements

Diet Black

Soooo it’s fall!!! Which means CHANGE! And I’m excited because now I live in a place where it truly does mean change. I forgot that leaves change colors til I moved back here to Philadelphia. I like it! And I get to wear scarves everyday without looking inappropriate. It’s great! But besides the scarves, I’m kind of unprepared for the coming cold.

I have to go out and buy a comforter now. I need to dig out all of my long sleeves and sweaters from the murky depths of my closet. I also have to work on repairing all the sun damage my skin suffered this past summer.

Yes, sun damage.

Like…sunburn.

I don’t get it either. Maybe all of those kids who called me ‘white girl’ growing up were right after all.

I’ve been a victim of sunburn for the third year in a row. I don’t know what’s going on with the world and this climate change business, I should probably read more. But there’s definitely SOMETHING happening. And it’s not good news for all the mulattos out there dealing with issues we’ve never had to deal with. It’s a problem I’m just not equipped to handle or even recognize, for that matter.

Anyone who has seen me in recent days might have noticed some strange discoloration on my nose. Like patches of brown and pink in a marbled pattern. That would be a colony of scabs and raw flesh that you see. Because in my world, or what I thought was my world, I see skin peeling off of my face and I’m thinking, TIME TO EXFOLIATE.

So I scrub the dead skin off. Beat it like it stole something. Wake up the next day, walk into the bathroom, look in the mirror, and WHAT THE FEEZY?

My nose is just black. And not in the sense that I’m black, but the color black. A scab totally took over the middle of my face. And I just thought to myself, dammit not again…

The first time this happened, I was in high school, and I had to show my face in class that day. I walk up to my peoples and they just stared at my nose. Didn’t even ask, but waited for an explanation.

“See, what had happened was…

I told them my skin was peeling and so I sloughed off the dead skin with an exfoliating face wash. They didn’t seem as dumbfounded by the results as I was…

“You moron, you don’t scrub sunburn! That makes it worse!!!”

Sun…

burn..? 

You mean that thing that happens to white people?

HAH! Yeah right, as if I could get sunburn. I’m too melanin for such things.

After years and years of being everyone’s cultural experience in the ‘burbs like I’m some ambassador for blackness, my white friends finally taught me something. Something about their world. And they can have it back.

My nose is healing little by little. Probably would be alleviated completely by now if I didn’t stop scrubbing it, but I still don’t get it I guess. I’m actually going to have to wear sunscreen next summer. I dread the very thought. That stuff smells weird.

So now I’m kind of worried. What is to become of the other little perks of being kinda black that I happily indulge in everyday? My melanin advantage isn’t the only thing that’s been threatened recently.

I feel like I’m also losing my edge in interracial social dynamics.

Confession folks, I greatly enjoy using the ignorance of white people to my advantage whenever I can. I grew up in the suburbs of various cities, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I can get what I want on many an occasion by just adding emphasis on my ethnicity. For some reason, white people seem to think that every non stereotypical black American is like a ticking time bomb of rachet, and you never know when it will go off. Like it’s a stagnant part of our personality that can be triggered at the slightest hint of dissatisfaction with anything and everything. They will do anything to avoid seeing it come out. It’s hilarious. Exploiting that preconception is a common tactic I use in customer service. It’s probably wrong, but whatever. This is essentially my face when guests act a fool at work…

 “I’m sorry, what did you say was wrong with your meal? Nothing? That’s what I thought.”

It also doesn’t hurt that I’m 5’12″(YES, FIVE FEET TWELVE INCHES), and I rock my hair natural now. I just ooze intimidating from my blackish pores.

If you didn’t know already, I’m pretty awkward socially. I might make a post about it, or a couple, in the future, but one way I manage to socialize with people is to just drag them down to the world of awkward, where I call home, and then seize control of the conversation. Once everyone is good and uncomfortable, then good conversating can commence. I’ve always thought I looked pretty black, but I constantly get asked what I am, so I always take this opportunity to flop the conversation, and reply with, “Other.”

“What does that mean?”

“Whatever I want it to mean.”

“……”

Or,

“Wow, I like your hair!”

“Thanks, it’s a little more ethnic than normal today, but it’s still rockin’ I think.”

“…It’s what?”

“A little more ethnic than usual.”

“……”

Because social interaction is much more fun when neither of us know what to say next.

I can’t lose this on top of my solar immunity, people. How will I ever make new friends? Okay I have a couple other ways to throw people off. Like,

“Hey are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!” ,’:)

Or,

“Can you turn on the air? I’m hot.”
IN MORE WAYS THAN ONEEEEE!” ‘,:)

But you kinda have to wait around for people to say those. And I do. I look a little too forward to it…

“How are you?”

“I’m f—”

IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE!”

“—eeling alright…”

O_o …

    …    o_O

*backs away slowly*

But you know what never needs to be welcomed into conversation? Race jokes. I know, I’m the problem. Sorry, but it’s one of the few advantages I get. Let me have this!