Lazy is the New Black

Does anybody remember old Barbie ads that had that annoying jingle singing, “It’s a great time to be a girl?”

What was that supposed to mean? That your freedom to buy an outrageously anatomically-incorrect plastic person with features that represent only 2 percent of the world’s population suddenly made life worth living? Oh, …okay.

I forgot my point. And we’ve only just begun. Gyahhh

GOT IT.

Okay so anyways, Barbie lied. NOW is the great time to be a girl! Wanna know why? Because fashion is phoning it in and we can all rejoice in not having to try so hard anymore. But at the same time I don’t like the dropped standards. It’s kind of ridiculous. Am I the only one who sees the obvious origins of these fads? They all look like fashion faux pas that somebody told the world were in so they wouldn’t have to put in effort. Please don’t tell me you actually consider any of these groundbreaking innovation.

Ombre Hair

I remember growing up, not knowing much about hair dye…or white people, and looking at blonde women with dark hair at their roots and thinking, “Wow that’s so cool how your hair changes color right there!” And they would always respond in irritation and/or embarrassment. I never understood until much later, and even after that I still thought roots showing looked pretty neat. When this ombre thing started trending, I thought huh, that looks like someone just decided to stop getting touch ups and grow out their roots… And they called it fashion, and now it’s a thing.

Ankle-length Pants

This one actually offends me. As a kid, there was a long period where I would grow out of pants about every two weeks. I remember one day I told my dad my jeans didn’t fit anymore…again, and he exploded, vowing to only buy me capris until I stopped growing. The high-water struggle is a dark time in every tall child’s life, and no part of it is fun. You’re already awkward and lanky and have too much limb than you know what to do with, and then on top of that your clothes don’t fit? You’re a freak. And your grade school classmates never fail to remind you. But now you’re older and past all of that just to have your childhood traumas thrown back in your face thanks to fashion telling everyone that ankle-length pants are STYLISH? Listen, I don’t care who says it, THEY ARE NOT AND THEY WILL NEVER BE. THOSE ARE HIGH-WATERS, AND THEY MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A BEACH HOBO. Go find some pants that fit, or face the scrutiny of your peers like we all had to do.

Backpacks

Now this trend I stand behind. Because I shouldn’t be trusted to bring anything back home if it isn’t attached to me. Do you know how many handbags I’ve lost over the years? If I put it down, there is a pathetically high chance it is not getting picked back up. And you have to actively carry handbags and purses. Like you’re always aware of them as you walk around. You can’t forget they’re there because they’ll start to slip off of your shoulder or get uncomfortable and you have to switch them to your other side. Just awful, and God forbid you need that arm for something! So busy holding your purse you can’t judo flip anyone at a moment’s notice. You clutch a purse and you’re taking a risk, man. And fashion agrees, and made backpacks fancyyyyy. Made them cute. Gave them a bunch of compartments! I love compartments.

Clumpy Mascara

What the feezy is this?

Why? I don’t think that looks okay. And I am queen of the IDGAFF look. The first F is for flying fyi, because I’m fly AYE EFF!!! Kidding. But just, no. Apply your mascara correctly, is it really that hard? I don’t even know what I’m doing and I manage fine.

 

I always say I’d rather be good at looking bad than being bad at looking good, but this is just overkill. And I’m not cut out to be cool, so I don’t like this impending pressure should fashion continue in this direction. So please, go back to trying. It’s a better look for you.

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Quarter-Life Crisis: DIY

It happened again. I was faced with the fact that I’m older. And this time I’m even older than I was the last time I complained. It just won’t stop.

Let me tell you about this adventure I had not too long ago.

After months in this new apartment, I finally decided to actually venture around and do stuff in town. There’s a Target and other stores right down the street from the complex within walking distance. I really wanted to get lost in stationary, and I also woke up with an insatiable craving for yogurt, so I was like hey! I’ll just take a walk over to Target and get the stuff I need, how CONVENIENT!!! I was very excited. I got dressed and started my walk.

Did I tell you about the layout of this apartment complex? I didn’t did I? Alrighty, well I swear this place is big enough to have its own zip code. Target is located down the road at the one end of the complex. And me? I live on the complete other end. I could have just walked to the main road for a straight shot to yogurt and stationary paradise, but of course I didn’t do that. I figured it would be faster to just walk through the complex to the other side. It doesn’t sound like it should be so bad, does it?

Well, it was so bad. In fact, it was worse.

This apartment complex is situated with a giant circle road in the center with a bunch of little windy roads stemming out from the main circle. I didn’t want to get lost on that circle, going down the wrong street and ending up somewhere that wasn’t Target. So instead of following any streets, I just went straight. In between buildings, across fields, whatever. As long as I went straight, I would surely get to the other side, right?

I got lost.

Every apartment looks exactly the same. I started questioning everything. How long have I been walking? Am I even going straight anymore? WILL THIS EVER END WHERE IS THE OTHER SIDE?!

It started raining. I wanted to give up and go back home, but wait…where is home? Where is anything??? This is how I die, I thought. Stuck in a sprawl of cookie cutter buildings that span out as far as I could see. In the rain. Phone dead. Tired and hungry for yogurt.  It was one of the darker moments in my life..

In my growing hopelessness, I wondered maybe if I just… sat on the ground, and cried, someone would come help me find my way home. And this is where it all set in. This is where I realized that I was an adult, and nobody is going to pity a grown woman crying in the rain over yogurt. This is where I figured in order to get out of this, I’m gonna have to do it myself. So I got myself together, and continued my trek. After such turmoil, I better get what I left the house for. I may be pathetic, but to be pitiful enough to accept defeat ought to be a sin.

I made it to Target. And I made it back home. I may have turned a 30 minute trip into a four hour journey, but hey. I got my yogurt. Bought myself some pens. I’ll get this adulting thing down eventually, you think? Maybe? Nah, I totally will. You’ll see.