Why I’ve Been MIA

2018 was my weakest writing year to date.

I maybe published three posts, and they weren’t strong pieces either.

It was honestly one of my weakest years in all respects. I’m no stranger to depressive episodes, but I’ve never fallen as deep into a rut than when I lost a good friend of mine in December 2017.

While trying to process that and mourn, I was working one job from 6am to 2pm and another job from 6pm to 11pm five, six, seven days a week for months. I spent the holidays working and away from family. I was in a toxic relationship in which my boyfriend was living off me. I did a favor for a friend and watched his deceased mother’s two cats and they wrecked my house and made my life hell for weeks longer than scheduled, and a bunch of other random things happened that further drained my already tanked energy and motivation.

And as far as my friend Mateo’s death, I couldn’t get to the memorial service, considering it was across the country in California, and I only had one reliable source of information regarding what even happened, and I still don’t know the truth. I never will, and I can’t find peace settling with any of the stories. It all hurts. It all sounds absurd. I had just seen him a few months prior…

I felt so much in so many directions that I eventually settled into an emotional catatonic state. I didn’t feel like myself, or anyone. Feeling like anything would guarantee a complete meltdown, and I had responsibilities. That’s apparently not how this stuff works, and my implosion was inevitable.

I’m doing a whole lot better, but I feel like I’m still putting myself back together over a year later. Maybe I owe myself more credit, but that’s the thing. I don’t feel like I’m doing something unless I’m doing, gaining, earning. But last year seemed to be full of loss. I lost friends, I lost jobs, I lost enjoyment in a lot of activities, I lost material things like my computer, my car, my savings, my growing liquor collection, I lost the respect I have for some of my relatives. Loss rarely feels like progress or an achievement. I couldn’t feel myself strengthening, only falling apart. Especially when I tried to DO, I tried to GAIN, but my attempts only led to more loss.

I sense that 2019 carries a different theme. I sense that different theme as not a turning of the tables, but a continuation of the work that’s been going on in my life. I’ve suffered loss, I’ve cleared my life of things unhealthy or not meant for me. I sense 2019 taking the perspectives I’ve developed through loss to help me decipher and pursue worthy gains.

And I think of Mateo.

My first “best” friend.

Because after moving so many times I refused to get too close to anyone, and I was open about not claiming anyone as my best friend. This offended Mateo, and he immediately changed my name in his phone to “Best Friend” and changed his name in my phone to the same. He emphasized it every time he greeted me thereafter.

My #1 supporter in any and everything I wanted to do.

Back in high school when I decided to try selling my knitted and crocheted accessories, Mateo bought several hat/scarf sets from me and never failed to post pictures of the pieces online. He marketed my hats better than I did.

I made those!

When my mom needed a blood transfusion, and I didn’t have anyone to take me into Beverly Hills to the hospital, Mateo picked me up. He spent time with me in my mom’s room keeping her company and making her laugh for a while.

When I needed my high school transcripts to get into Temple University, Mateo went to the school district office for me in California and paid for them to fax the documents. I still remember him calling me as he was leaving, ” I worry about our education system, Stormy. I’m glad we already graduated. It was $3 to fax the transcripts. I gave them a ten. Stormy. They gave me $8 change. Eight dollars!” He’s contributed more to my education than my parents have.

Any time we would catch up with each other since school, he was never without words of encouragement in whatever I was working on at the time. He just had such a sureness about him, whether he had a plan or not. My neurotic self relied on his confidence in things working out a lot.

Today, February 28th, is Mateo’s birthday. I don’t know a better motivation to push myself out of this inactivity than to honor my best friend by doing the things I enjoy that he always encouraged me to keep up. So I’m writing. And I’ll keep writing. And I’ll keep working on being as great a friend to the people I love that Mateo was to me. And thanks for sticking around through my hiatuses.

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Hiatus, BRB

And yet again, I have neglected to post on a weekly basis. Goodness why am I so impossible? I’m sorry. But look, check this out. A new year is right around the corner, and I’m ready to actually take this site seriously. Yeah, for real!
I think a big cause of my lack of motivation is that I’ve set up this space as a little uncharted island kind of. I rant, I talk about whatever is on my mind, but that’s it. Outside of being a little funny or relatable, I’m not actually connecting with anyone or anything.

I have a tendency to drift into my own world, and it seems that trait of mine bleeds into my work as well. So, realizing that, I’m turning it around. I’m plugging in to my world, and connecting with people and places and things. I’m nouning, I guess is what I just described. I want to create something that people can get something out of, not just me shouting into cyberspace. I mean, I’ll still do that, but I can afford to write with purpose too. People keep telling me I’m cool, but even if that’s true, I’m sick of me being the only thing on here. There are people doing way cooler things, and there’s super interesting stuff happening around my city, and there are great businesses that I frequent, all of which I want you to know about. I want to support them more. I want to collaborate. I want to contribute to the scene around me.

My island needs a monorail line installed to connect to the rest of civilization. So here’s the plan..
Starting next year, I’m going to add a new tab to my blog, titled {Haven’t Decided Yet}, and under that umbrella will be The Inspiration, The Scene, and The Biz. Oh and The Coffeeshops section is going to be updated way more often than I have been doing.

The Inspiration will be a feature of a Philly(usually) artist/musician/mover and shaker who has my attention. There is so much talent in this place, and seeing these individuals pursue their passions always pulls me out of whatever creative rut I’ve fallen into. I hit those pretty often, and I’m realizing that I need to shift my focus onto the things and that get me back on my grind and keep me there. I’m really excited for this section of the site.

The Scene will be posts about the events I go to around Philadelphia. I don’t understand how anyone gets bored here. There is always at least two things going on at any time of the week, and a lot of them are free or super cheap to do. I stay out of the house, attending as many of these things as I can stand. Usually foodie or music-y in nature, but I switch it up sometimes.

The Biz will be my experiences with different local small businesses, whether it be a salon, or a fashion boutique, or a restaurant. Whatever, I’m writing about it if I like it. Because I try shopping local as much as I can help, and I’d like to shout out great places in town that I like and want to see stick around for a long time.

And I’m going to be more active on the medias. It might kill me a little but I’m going to do it, dammit. You will see me doing things on Twitter. Instagram. I recently joined Tumblr. And I will make a TheSpazmatazz Facebook page. Talk to me sometime. I will respond because I’m totally a social person and I am very forward in the technologies and social meeds and whatnot. Psh. Do I sound like someone going to school for a degree in Emergent Media? I’m working on it, I promise.

I also got my tripod, and will be making videos on Youtube of my rants sometimes too. I’m gonna be all over the place, you guys! Are you ready???
I’m not. But I am looking forward to this, and I want to do it right. So bear(or is it bare? I like bear and I don’t feel like looking it up.) with me as TheSpazmatazz goes dark for the month of December. I’m going to spend this time to bulk up on content to launch in the new year, and set up all of my platforms. If you need me, email me! You’ll find my email under the About page.

Alright, I’ll see you all in 2016! In the meantime, read my older posts and share them with someone who needs to know there are people weirder than them in the world. Byeeeee!