A Triumph Over Failure

I almost died eating an apple this morning.

It was easily the most disheartening moment of my week.

I went shopping last week, people. For groceries. I bought fruit; fruit that I intended to consume for the sake of my health. Because I care and stuff.

How exciting is that?

SUPER FREAKING EXCITING, I KNOW.

It’s a new start. A new me. A better me. I was ready. I was stoked.

I was on my way to work. And before I left the house I thought, hey, you can have an apple for breakfast, you healthy fruit-eating, early morning-waking, awesome person, you! So I grabbed an apple and walked out. I bite in to the apple and I’m like, yes. This is everything it is supposed to be. I am eating fruit. How long’s it been since I ate fruit? It’s perfectly sweet, but not too sweet. Watery to make me feel quenched for my morning commute. I’m biting it apart and it makes me feel like a ferocious lion tearing through life at its seams for my sustenance. Except I wasn’t lion enough and the stupid apple attacked me back.

By the time I reached the bus stop, I was coughing and choking with seemingly no end in sight. In between bites of the apple, as I tried to take a breath, juice from the apple decided to replace the air I intended on inhaling. And juice does not belong in lungs. Air does. Where the heck was any air? Where did the juice come from? Stop. Ow. No. Is it over…? Okay let me take another bit—*COUGH COUGH* AAAGGHHHHHH! WHY?

I was choking for like three blocks. I threw that God-forsaken apple away less than halfway through eating it because I was that frustrated.

Am I that far gone? I’ve been without fruit so long that I no longer have the skill it takes to walk and eat a fruit? And that takes skill okay. You may not know you possess it, but if the above situation has never happened to you then good for you, all coordinated and whatnot. You’re going places. Far places. With fruit. And I’m proud of you. Very disappointed in myself, though.

But that’s alright. I’m not going to let one incredibly pathetic failure to accomplish a basic human function get me down! I can’t live the rest of my life eating fruit while sitting down! I have places to be, I’m on the go. I’ve…I’ve gotta TRAIN.

So I’m not used to eating fruit anymore. I can reacquire that ability. And I want to. So I will. You know what? This is the perfect opportunity to finally use that gym membership I’ve had for 3 months and never gone. Yeah. Yeahhhhh.

Me, a treadmill, and a bag of apples.

I can do this. I’ll be going to work everyday, confidently eating my fruit, all nourished and energized for the rest of the day. I can’t wait. I’m determined.

Maybe I’ll even move to the stairmaster in time.

 

Adventures in Adulthood

So last week was a new experience for me. I was…a responsible adult. What a world, guys. What a world. Let me tell you.

So first, on like Wednesday or Thursday, can’t remember anymore, but on…a day last week, I woke up. In the morning. And it was my day off so that’s kinda a big deal. And instead of going back to sleep to spite my own body clock for not letting me sleep in, I GOT UP. Then I TOOK A SHOWER.

Hot shower (noun) a regular shower, but with me in it #joke #laugh #LOL

Heh..heh hehe

I GOT DRESSED, and I even PUT ON MAKEUP.

Then I WASHED DISHES.

Then I left the house and picked up my check from work. And I took the check TO THE BANK. 

Then I went down the road and GOT GROCERIES. And not just any groceries. I bought FRUIT. And LETTUCE. 

I’d say vegetables, but I only bought lettuce. I don’t want you to give me more credit than I deserve.

BUT!

I thought DEEPLY about buying other vegetables! And I bought other food that you have to cook. Because I’m gonna LEARN HOW TO DO THAT! So I don’t spend so much on food when I’m out and about. See! RESPONSIBILITY AND FRUGALITY! Get on my level guys, I am on POINT. Or at least working to get there!

And it doesn’t end there. I went home, and I put the groceries away, Then I DID LAUNDRY, which is not in a balled up wad in the dark corner of my closet like usual because I FOLDED THAT ISH! And I put everything away in their respectable RECEPTACLES! I even folded a fitted sheet.

Then I called my grandparents. Because I am notoriously difficult to get ahold of. And we had a GREAT CONVERSATION.

Then I went to bed at a time that functioning members of society generally go to sleep.

AND THE NEXT DAY,

I woke up in the lovely AM, yet again. I sat down and REVIEWED MY BANK STATEMENTS. And I came to the conclusion that I spend too much money on unnecessary junk.

I signed PAPERWORK. Then I went to school and TURNED IN said paperwork.

Then I met up with a friend, and we DRANK COFFEE and DID ART. Well she drew and I wrote this blog post! That’s kind of a lie. I wrote a different blog post, but it’s not ready yet, so you all get this one.

Then I WENT TO WORK.

I did so much adult-iness, it was unbelievable. Had no clue I had it in me.

Well as it turns out, I don’t have it in me. Next day I fell inexplicably ill. I get this unbearable sore throat for two days and now I’m coughing and hacking up blood like I caught the plague. My cat won’t leave my side for a second, and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s worried about me, or he’s picking up that weird sixth sense that makes him able tell when someone’s about to die. Or maybe he’s just hungry and mad that I’m too miserable to get him more wet food from the store. There can only be one logical explanation to this random onset of the sick. Because who the feezy falls ill in the middle of July?

Me at Square One

This one!!!

I’m obviously allergic to adulthood. Yeah, that’s totally a thing. There’s nothing else it could be. Sooo…sorry everyone. I tried. But I’m simply not cut out to be about that life. Bummer.

So as part of my recovery, I finally figured out how to watch Youtube from my smart tv, and I will be resting this bad allergic reaction off by watching a marathon of Yu Gi Oh the Abridged Series, and eating cereal for dinner. Because doing anything else adult-y just might kill me. Peace.