I Had A Point Once, But Hear Me Out Anyway

It’s exciting to be back in a writing mind. I’m eager to get my thoughts out, and I look forward to the dialogue my posts may open up.

But the mind to write isn’t the same mind to publish, and regaining that drive has been frustrating, to say the least. When I’m not meeting you all here, I’m meeting myself in my head. I write in my notebooks pretty often, here’s a look into what that looks like:

These pages are a visual interpretation of how I think. Colorful, all over the place, outside the lines, too much to even fit the boundaries of each sheet, and not even always in English. It’s hard enough for me to turn actual blog ideas into a coherent post, so I can’t say much of this book gets transferred here.

But I woke up this morning, drank some water, visited my notebook for a fresh new page, and wrote myself into a little mental breakdown. After I had a good cry and washed my face, I thought I might share some of what I wrote.

For a little context, I’ve been frustrated with myself and how easily I throw my plans aside for others’ sake when it’s not necessary or even noble to do. This constant self sacrifice has been eating at me in different ways and as I — eh, let me just quote the book and we can go from there.

Why are you so willing to hold yourself back? And also, why can’t I just cry? Sitting on the brink of myself is physically jarring. It hurts. The pain is strange.. It’s like being attacked by an internal black hole. Just an aggressive pulling, denying my escape, preventing the release, blocking the healing. No motive, just there. Tormenting.

I had a point to share all of this, but honestly the struggle to open up in this way took all of my focus away. It feels important still, so please excuse the scattered nature of this post.

All I can do at this point is ramble a little and hope it goes somewhere, so bare with me. I don’t mean to continue the same energy as the last post. You guys come here to laugh most of the time, and I’ll get to that. I want to get back to that.

But maybe it was that perceived pressure to be light and quirky and witty that led me to isolate myself when I felt none of those things. I’d rather be real with you than to not speak at all.

I was blown away at the reception of my last entry, actually. It wasn’t easy being that honest, and I really appreciate all of the responses I received, and the support and love. I don’t necessarily write with anything in mind besides clearing my head and shouting into the void about any and everything. So when my writing is actually relatable or helps in any way, even to just one person reading, it surprises and humbles me.

The more I write and share, the more I get to see the multidimensional nature of people, as well as myself, and it changes my worldview more and more each time. I feel empowered, I feel more forgiving and empathetic, I feel more curious, I feel more unaffected by fuckery, I feel hopeful.

I don’t really know how to wrap up this trash fire of a blog post. But hey, I hope any of you reading struggling to find that release from whatever finally snap. Because yeah, I woke up this morning and promptly fell apart, but I also got this written, drank water, moisturized my hair, and I’m gonna finish crocheting a scarf when I’m done typing this up on my phone(I’ll fix formatting issues when I get to a computer by the way) all before 11am! I can’t remember the last time I was this productive. Snap the fuck out, safely and constructively, but do it. Get there. Bye.

$#*!@%&?#!

You know what’s the worst?

When denial stops working.

I have reached that point, and I must confess, to you and to myself.

I curse rather excessively.

A lot of you might know this already. And a lot of you might not. I challenge myself to keep such language out of my writing as much as possible. I consider the unnecessary use of curse words to be due in large part to a lack of a wider vocabulary with which to express one’s thoughts. It’s lazy and reminds me of how much I need to read more. Specifically books, and not my Twitter feed.

But let’s face it, cursing is also due in part to just being a fun thing to do. I greatly enjoy the perfect delivery of a good ol’ expletive in conversation. Sometimes it can be THE joke, and be the funniest one you’ve heard all day. Just play Cards Against Humanity, and see how the answer “Bitches” seems to never get old. A little sprinkling of some colorful language is a good time. You know, that’s exactly what they are!

Curse words are just like sprinkles.

sprinkles

Just like these.

I remember walking with my friend to the Dunkin’ Donuts that had just opened up down the road one day in high school. I wasn’t really in the mood for a donut, so I asked if I could just have some sprinkles. I received confused looks, but they did actually give me a bag full of sprinkles. Didn’t even charge me. And my friend and I walked home, as I ate sprinkles out of a bag with a spoon, feeling accomplished. But there’s this thing with sprinkles…

Sprinkles are great. You can dump them on all kinds of things. Anything! Cake, ice cream, cookies, brownies, people…apparently.

sprinkles on face sprinkles on nails

The possibilities are ENDLESS!

They’re colorful and bright. They add some texture. You can use sprinkles sparingly or completely envelope a pastry. They’re a cheap, simple way to jazz up anything you’re baking.

But have you ever eaten too many sprinkles? That bag of sprinkles I got from Dunkin? I never finished that. I don’t know if I even got halfway through the giant lob of sugar in my hand. It doesn’t take long for sprinkles to stop tasting sweet, and start getting weird and chalky in your mouth. Why do they DO that??? The why is not important. Anyways, you over-did it and your fun is over. Sprinkles just aren’t good in excess.

Just like curse words.

All of that to say, I’m getting that chalky taste in my mouth and it’s about time I wash it out and start speaking like I go to college. But then again I am what you would consider a drop out right now…

No. Enough of this. I need to learn some new words. Read some books. Find classier insults. Like this one..

quisquilian

Ah yeah, that is way more fun. Cursing is too basic. I’M ON SOME NEXT LEVEL— ish..

Okay it’ll be a process, granted. Give me some time.