Lazy is the New Black

Does anybody remember old Barbie ads that had that annoying jingle singing, “It’s a great time to be a girl?”

What was that supposed to mean? That your freedom to buy an outrageously anatomically-incorrect plastic person with features that represent only 2 percent of the world’s population suddenly made life worth living? Oh, …okay.

I forgot my point. And we’ve only just begun. Gyahhh

GOT IT.

Okay so anyways, Barbie lied. NOW is the great time to be a girl! Wanna know why? Because fashion is phoning it in and we can all rejoice in not having to try so hard anymore. But at the same time I don’t like the dropped standards. It’s kind of ridiculous. Am I the only one who sees the obvious origins of these fads? They all look like fashion faux pas that somebody told the world were in so they wouldn’t have to put in effort. Please don’t tell me you actually consider any of these groundbreaking innovation.

Ombre Hair

I remember growing up, not knowing much about hair dye…or white people, and looking at blonde women with dark hair at their roots and thinking, “Wow that’s so cool how your hair changes color right there!” And they would always respond in irritation and/or embarrassment. I never understood until much later, and even after that I still thought roots showing looked pretty neat. When this ombre thing started trending, I thought huh, that looks like someone just decided to stop getting touch ups and grow out their roots… And they called it fashion, and now it’s a thing.

Ankle-length Pants

This one actually offends me. As a kid, there was a long period where I would grow out of pants about every two weeks. I remember one day I told my dad my jeans didn’t fit anymore…again, and he exploded, vowing to only buy me capris until I stopped growing. The high-water struggle is a dark time in every tall child’s life, and no part of it is fun. You’re already awkward and lanky and have too much limb than you know what to do with, and then on top of that your clothes don’t fit? You’re a freak. And your grade school classmates never fail to remind you. But now you’re older and past all of that just to have your childhood traumas thrown back in your face thanks to fashion telling everyone that ankle-length pants are STYLISH? Listen, I don’t care who says it, THEY ARE NOT AND THEY WILL NEVER BE. THOSE ARE HIGH-WATERS, AND THEY MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A BEACH HOBO. Go find some pants that fit, or face the scrutiny of your peers like we all had to do.

Backpacks

Now this trend I stand behind. Because I shouldn’t be trusted to bring anything back home if it isn’t attached to me. Do you know how many handbags I’ve lost over the years? If I put it down, there is a pathetically high chance it is not getting picked back up. And you have to actively carry handbags and purses. Like you’re always aware of them as you walk around. You can’t forget they’re there because they’ll start to slip off of your shoulder or get uncomfortable and you have to switch them to your other side. Just awful, and God forbid you need that arm for something! So busy holding your purse you can’t judo flip anyone at a moment’s notice. You clutch a purse and you’re taking a risk, man. And fashion agrees, and made backpacks fancyyyyy. Made them cute. Gave them a bunch of compartments! I love compartments.

Clumpy Mascara

What the feezy is this?

Why? I don’t think that looks okay. And I am queen of the IDGAFF look. The first F is for flying fyi, because I’m fly AYE EFF!!! Kidding. But just, no. Apply your mascara correctly, is it really that hard? I don’t even know what I’m doing and I manage fine.

 

I always say I’d rather be good at looking bad than being bad at looking good, but this is just overkill. And I’m not cut out to be cool, so I don’t like this impending pressure should fashion continue in this direction. So please, go back to trying. It’s a better look for you.

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Quarter Life Crisis: Kids on the Bus

I figured I’d make this a blog post since I ended up texting my poor friend half a novel about it the other day.

Riding along the freeway into Center City. On my way to work. A lot of school buses on the road, full of kids. They’re waving out of the windows. Hoping people driving by would wave back. They annoyed me.

Stupid kids, I thought.. How can they expect everyone to pay attention to them? We’re driving. We’re trying to focus. We have more pressing matters to dwell on as we sit in traffic. Why do you think you’re so special?

As I sat there, inching along, my mind drifted back to when I was that age. When I was in grades school, on my way to a field trip or something. I used to do that, wave at cars passing by. What was my mindset, Little Storm? What did I know about life, and what was I still ignorant to? At what point did it all change? How many times does the world have to crush you for the harsh reality of how small and insignificant you are to set in? Why was I so offended that these waving children had no idea of such a concept? Why don’t they get it? Why do I want them to? I don’t..

I should be glad they don’t “get it.” I should hope they don’t learn these lessons too early. I think I did.

I shocked myself. Me, present-day me. I took a trip back to childhood and came back appalled, asking myself what happened. How could I be so harsh? Little me, my peers, the kids on this bus. I, we, they, just wanted to say hi. To share their joy with random strangers driving by. No entitled sense of HEY YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I’M ME AND I’M WAVING. Just, hey let’s say hi to the people we pass. And what does it matter if they did feel that way? They’re kids. They literally have nothing else to worry about in life.

Wow, how massive this chasm has grown, between me and childhood. Although I don’t feel I was ever well acquainted with the other side, I wasn’t ready to see and acknowledge how much farther I had traveled. But I do see, and I do acknowledge. And I waved back.