Loose Ends

I’ve been frustrating myself all year so far, trying to push through exhaustion and work drama to start creating again. It hasn’t been going well.

I finally put some time aside to write a new post yesterday, and ended up staring at my wall for two hours.

And then I was hungry.

And then I needed to pee.

And then I was cold.

And then I gave up writing, bundled up in my blanket, and took a nap.

This blanket, I made for myself three years ago as an anchor piece for my then goal of moving out of my uncle’s house and getting my first place on my own.

I was an avid user of Pinterest at the time, and envisioned the snazziest interior decorating in my dream space, and everything would be yellow and gray, clean and contemporary.

I crocheted this blanket over the course of a couple months and through a rewatch of three seasons of 30 Rock. It’s roughly six feet tall and wide, and it reminded me to save up every day I saw it draped across my bed.

I finally got my apartment, moved out, and it has been the staple piece of the house for the past two and a half years. But I realized something yesterday.

I never finished that blanket.

There’s always that one part of your passion that you hate to do. Art isn’t all fun and sunshine, it is actual work sometimes. And when it comes to knitting and crocheting, I absolutely detest sewing in ends when I’ve completed a project.

It’s arguably the most important part. The piece isn’t finished until you’ve sewn in the ends. It’s so crucial, it’s a common figure of speech.

Tieing in/up the loose ends.”

Where else where that have come from if not the fiber arts? I hate it though. I’m far from the only one, but I sure feel like the only one so hellbent in just leaving piles of old projects around that would otherwise be complete and ready to sell, should I just sew in the ends.

I’ve been using this blanket for the past three years with strands of yarn sticking out of every corner where the colors change, just ignoring the fact that my work is incomplete. Just acting like nothing is wrong with it. Glossing over my longstanding lack of follow-through.

You know how the question stands, does life imitate art, or does art imitate life? I’ve always found consistencies between my creative processes and my life happenings.  I feel like through this blanket, I have hexed my own life.

 

Why can’t I get a coherent thought on paper? Why do I have more drafts than published articles on this site? Why does it take me longer than two hours to put together one post? It shouldn’t take a whole day, a whole week, a whole month for one post! Why am I so scatterbrained?

This blanket was my anchor. It was my motivation to step into the next chapter. But I didn’t even finish it. Because I was too lazy. Because I didn’t feel like doing it.  But it was my first step. I brought the bad energy of sloth into my house and life with that shoddy first step.

Nothing gets finished.

I’m too tired to care.

All my plants are dead.

And I just keep wrapping up in this frayed blanket, wondering why. Wondering when it will get better.

Life imitates art. At least it seems to in this case. And I need to tie up some loose ends. A lot of loose ends. A lot of stupid pieces of thread all over the place, driving me insane and disturbing my qi.

I’m getting my qi back, one thread at a time. I’m 10 down so far, and when I’m done I’ll post a picture of the finally-finished blanket. And then we’ll see if I warded off the lazieness out of my house so I can write more frequently, not kill my new plants, and get my other creative endeavors rocking. I’m knocking out three strands of yarn per day, and I should be done in a couple weeks.

 

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Wow, somebody remind me to never leave the Internet for two months EVER AGAIN.

I was going to publish a new post today. It was going to be enlightening. It was going to be witty. It was going to be relatable. It was going to be PROFOUND. 

Nah psych! It was going to be weird, you already know. I’m sorry for getting your hopes up.

But alas, it never made it to fruition. The thinking struggle is so real right now.

Because I’m out of my writing habit. The flow is not flowing, guys. I need to catch my wave again. It’s coming, I can at least see it. So that’s…something.

BUT NOT “SOMETHING” ENOUGH. NOT THE KIND OF SOMETHING THAT IS A BLOG POST. And you deserve more something. More something that is a blog post. So instead of giving up and rage-eating salad out of a bag like it’s popcorn…except with more butter (naturally), I will at least give you this.

My other idea has been transferred to my notebook. There’s something about hand-writing something over typing it. The ideas just write themselves. My mind wanders more freely. Maybe because writing by hand allows me to write in the same way that my mind organizes thought…in that it doesn’t have much organization at all.

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Welcome to my process…

I copied the beginnings of my drafted post into my book and almost immediately got struck with the rest of my lost ideas. But it’s raw thought. It needs some refinement. But it’s weird. My thoughts don’t survive well being birthed into rigid lines of black and white, letters appearing at the push of a button…all looking so uniform. No, I need five pens of different colors and I need to write in circles, and backwards in some sections, with thought bubbles, and the occasional doodle thrown in. I need to listen to music and watch my pen glide through every sharp edge, smooth swirl, crossed T and dotted I to the rhythm of my tunes. I need to note how my hand pushes heavier on the page when I’m listening to certain genres as opposed to others. I need to write my ‘y’ differently with every word. Sometimes it needs to be two straight lines. Sometimes it needs to be that loopy ‘y.’ Sometimes it needs some extra curvature at the end. I CANNOT EFFECTIVELY GET MY POINTS ACROSS WITHOUT MY Ys BEING DIFFERENT, DOES NO ONE UNDERSTAND MY AGONY.

Wow…uhm. Yeah, I don’t know. I decided to not edit this post.

So long tirade short, I couldn’t get my head in the game. So give me a moment with my long estranged paper and pen. I thought I could type up some greatness, but I’m not that cool. I’ll have some MIND BLOWING BLOG CONTENT for you next week. Until then.