The News is Stupid

I don’t watch much live television. And after hearing the ridiculousness that’s been on the news the past two days, I’m glad I don’t.

BREAKING NEWS PEOPLE: DOGS DON’T FEEL SHAME OR GUILT.

Uhm…so? Why is this news? It was stupid when I heard it yesterday, and it was still stupid hearing it YET AGAIN on the Today Show. Did I really have to hear this twice? I would be perfectly fine never knowing this completely useless information. I don’t understand why I’m expected to care.

They’re dogs!

Why do you want them to feel the same stressful emotions that we do? That’s kind of sadistic, humanity. Dogs are one of the only creatures on this earth that will love you when absolutely nobody else does. ISN’T THAT ENOUGH FOR YOU PEOPLE???

They don’t care if you’re an all around crappy person, they’ll still stand by you. You can hit them with a pot and they’ll still try to make you happy. DON’T, BY THE WAY. Lest Sarah McLachlan haunt your dreams!

So dogs don’t feel shame or guilt. They still fear us enough to stop peeing on our floors when we yell at them. My point is they’re still trainable, so what’s everyone getting so worked up? We should be happy dogs don’t feel shame, because if they did, they probably wouldn’t love us anymore.

If you’re so worried about your pet’s emotional capacity, why don’t you do what I did? GET A CAT.

There’s no guesswork there. You know they don’t love you. Guilt? Shame? Shove it. Problem solved. You’re welcome.

Funky Kicks and Raves

You ever find yourself accidentally walking into a rave one night?

No? Just me? Typical. Well let me tell you about my Friday.

I started my day as any day, getting ready for school and heading out. The most foul odor wafted throughout the sub car, and of course I thought nothing of it because the sub can be gross sometimes, whatever. But the smell followed me. To my class.

Great, it would be me.

That smell, friends, was cat piss.

Thai

Look up ‘jerkwad’ in the dictionary, and you’ll find this guy.

So there I was in class, trying to subtly smell all of my clothes.

Shirt? No.

Jeans? No.

Scarf? No.

WHAT THE FEEZY ARE YOU LOOKING AT, CLASSMATE? PAY ATTENTION!

Bag? No.

Has to be my sneaks, there’s nothing left. But I’m not going to just smell my shoe in the middle of class. I walk out into the hallway, take off my shoes, and sure enough, that furry menace sprayed my left shoe. I returned to class in my socks. I spent the rest of that class trying to figure out how I was going to make it through the day with these funky sneaks.

Option 1: Go home and change shoes

You have another class in an hour, no good.

Option 2: Borrow a pair of shoes from a friend

You’re six feet tall and all your friends are Korean. Try again.

Option 3: Kill the smell

Worth a shot, where’s some ammonia?

So the search for ammonia was on. Ammonia is one of the few substances on this earth that neutralizes the smell of cat pee, by the way. Fun fact. Alright so there’s a supermarket just down the street. I go in there but ammonia only comes in size HUMONGOUS. Hey ammonia companies, might you try selling your product in a nifty, My Cat Crapped on My Shoes emergency size? The demand is larger than you’d think, trust me.

I text some friends who live around campus to ask if I can drop off the giant lug to pick up later. I get the okay so I buy the ammonia. I walk out of the store, open the container, and just start pouring it over my shoe. To my left were three middle aged men just standing around talking, and upon seeing me douse my foot with this big jug of bright yellow liquid, stop their conversation and stare in utter confusion. I look up, all cares long gone by then, and I just stared back with the most idgaf look on my face, still pouring the ammonia.

“Morning! Gotta love those days when you get to school and discover your cat peed on your shoes! Take care, gentlemen.”

No words. And I was gone. Went to my friend’s place. Went to class. Went to work. Then got ready for the concert I had been looking forward to for a month. I had already missed this group in December, and I wasn’t planning on missing them again. I invited my friend the day before, and she said she had never been to a concert before, so I was really excited.

Doors were supposed to open at 8:30, so we get there, and everything is closed. We talk to security dude out front and he says they don’t open til 9pm. What kind of sense…? I don’t even. So we go do something else for the time being, then come back later around 9:30 or 10.

When we get inside, I look around, and I’m like…ohhh no. Neon and laytex everything…glow sticks, lit up hula hoops, fuzzy legwarmers and bear hats. Why are these kids dressed up like they’re going to a rave? That’s not the business.

It was the business.

Why is this a rave? I saw nothing about this being a rave. Is this venue always a rave? I don’t understand. I JUST WANT TO GO TO A CONCERT, A NORMAL CONCERT. My mind does a somersault trying to figure out how this group would relate to raves. I don’t think they’re rave-ish, but it does make some kind of sense, I suppose. But I don’t like it. And I have nothing against raves, I just wasn’t trying to be at one. So much for my friend’s first concert, she also had her first rave experience. So we sat around for awhile because few people were there, and the opener was alright. Once the music started picking up we decided to dance, and my friend jumped right into things and wanted to go right into the heart of the crowd. And bang, we were raving.

We had a blast. Two very different experiences though. It was pretty comical.

Neither of us know how to shuffle or do any of the rave dancing, but we were doing our own thing, having fun. PLUR, man, whatever. My buddy was popular!!! All the guys coming up to her to dance, she was getting it.

Meanwhile, I kept getting told, “You’re such a beautiful person,” and “I love your spirit, you have a good heart!” Like…

Lucille AD

I also got kissed on the forehead. Like, a lot… Dunno what that was about.

So bizarre. But really fun. So much so that I might have accidentally turned my friend into a raver. The future looks bright. I mean neon bright, and full of glow sticks. More stories to be had, and hopefully they’ll all be intentional from now on.