I Had A Point Once, But Hear Me Out Anyway

It’s exciting to be back in a writing mind. I’m eager to get my thoughts out, and I look forward to the dialogue my posts may open up.

But the mind to write isn’t the same mind to publish, and regaining that drive has been frustrating, to say the least. When I’m not meeting you all here, I’m meeting myself in my head. I write in my notebooks pretty often, here’s a look into what that looks like:

These pages are a visual interpretation of how I think. Colorful, all over the place, outside the lines, too much to even fit the boundaries of each sheet, and not even always in English. It’s hard enough for me to turn actual blog ideas into a coherent post, so I can’t say much of this book gets transferred here.

But I woke up this morning, drank some water, visited my notebook for a fresh new page, and wrote myself into a little mental breakdown. After I had a good cry and washed my face, I thought I might share some of what I wrote.

For a little context, I’ve been frustrated with myself and how easily I throw my plans aside for others’ sake when it’s not necessary or even noble to do. This constant self sacrifice has been eating at me in different ways and as I — eh, let me just quote the book and we can go from there.

Why are you so willing to hold yourself back? And also, why can’t I just cry? Sitting on the brink of myself is physically jarring. It hurts. The pain is strange.. It’s like being attacked by an internal black hole. Just an aggressive pulling, denying my escape, preventing the release, blocking the healing. No motive, just there. Tormenting.

I had a point to share all of this, but honestly the struggle to open up in this way took all of my focus away. It feels important still, so please excuse the scattered nature of this post.

All I can do at this point is ramble a little and hope it goes somewhere, so bare with me. I don’t mean to continue the same energy as the last post. You guys come here to laugh most of the time, and I’ll get to that. I want to get back to that.

But maybe it was that perceived pressure to be light and quirky and witty that led me to isolate myself when I felt none of those things. I’d rather be real with you than to not speak at all.

I was blown away at the reception of my last entry, actually. It wasn’t easy being that honest, and I really appreciate all of the responses I received, and the support and love. I don’t necessarily write with anything in mind besides clearing my head and shouting into the void about any and everything. So when my writing is actually relatable or helps in any way, even to just one person reading, it surprises and humbles me.

The more I write and share, the more I get to see the multidimensional nature of people, as well as myself, and it changes my worldview more and more each time. I feel empowered, I feel more forgiving and empathetic, I feel more curious, I feel more unaffected by fuckery, I feel hopeful.

I don’t really know how to wrap up this trash fire of a blog post. But hey, I hope any of you reading struggling to find that release from whatever finally snap. Because yeah, I woke up this morning and promptly fell apart, but I also got this written, drank water, moisturized my hair, and I’m gonna finish crocheting a scarf when I’m done typing this up on my phone(I’ll fix formatting issues when I get to a computer by the way) all before 11am! I can’t remember the last time I was this productive. Snap the fuck out, safely and constructively, but do it. Get there. Bye.

I’m Done With PFCU

“It’s good to be back!”

That is what I would say if I were writing the post I originally planned for today. But if this situation I am writing about instead was the flame to get me going, well then, so be it. I might as well make something good out of it. Cue rant!

I am taking recommendations for a new bank, or credit union, or whatever. Because first thing tomorrow, I am canceling my account with the Philadelphia Federal Credit Union.

I walked over to my local branch this afternoon to deposit some cash into checking. They recently installed two new ATM machines that both accept deposits, rather than only one with the function previously. I enter my card into the machine, which it keeps instead of a quick swipe, go through all of the menu options, and get my cash ready to insert. It’s more than 50 bills, so I entered half of the stack at a time. It took a while, but save for two rejected bills, the machine counted my money and I was ready to confirm the deposit. I hit “Finish my deposit,” and it first gives me a screen saying it was processing. Then the screen switched to a cancellation screen.

This Screen

A green light flashes over the deposit slot, and my bills peek out of the dispenser. For a second.

As I grab the money, it starts leaving my hand and re-enters the machine. And the door to the deposit slot closes back up. The screen remains the same, and after waiting a few minutes, nothing changed.

I looked up PFCU’s number on my phone, and call, hoping to just ask a representative to step outside and help me. The branch closed at 2pm. It was 2:55pm. I waited in the automated menu for maybe an option for a 24 hour customer service line to be sent to. That wasn’t an option on the line.

As I attract attention in my frustration by other PFCU members waiting for the ATM, one woman asks about what was going on, and pulled out her card to find another customer service number. They do have a 24 hour line, so I thanked her and called them.

The only options given to me were for debit card activation, a lost or stolen card, or a lost or stolen device. Considering the ATM had my card and wouldn’t release it, I pressed “2” for a lost or stolen card.

I was transferred to a representative named Allie, and when I explained to her my situation, she said she couldn’t do anything, and offered to give me the number to the main customer service line.

“Do you have a pen and paper?”

“No, I am outside at an ATM and this was my sole purpose for leaving my house at the moment. I don’t have anything on me now except my phone considering this ATM machine took my card and $98. I would appreciate if you could transfer me to the proper authority to fix this problem.”

She transfers me.

To the same line I had previously called to the direct branch that informed me that customer service hours were over.

I call the 24 hour line again. After going back and forth with the next person in a similar way as Allie, he did actually make some kind of effort. But all he could do was cancel my card, should it ever be ejected from that piece of shit machine.

At this point, three incredibly sweet women from the growing line were tapping on windows and knocking on the doors to see if there were any representatives who had not yet left, because a few lights were still on inside.

Nobody came out, and the associate on the line said nothing could be done about the cash I tried to deposit. The only thing he could do was give me the same bullshit number to call in the morning, and enter “an extensive note” on my account for the next representative I speak with.  I asked him to include in that note that a representative should instead be contacting me for the major incovenience, and if I don’t receive that call, which I’m pretty sure I won’t, I will be back at that branch in person at open to close my account. But honestly, I’m closing my account anyway, because this hasn’t been the first time PFCU has given me issue, and I don’t appreciate anyone messing with my money. But this was certainly the most absurd and most time consuming and infuriating.

As I walk back home, defeated and angry, I hear, “Don’t you let this situation ruin your day!” One of the women who was trying to help called out from her car. There’s something about strangers caring, that will really overwhelm you when you’re having a bad day. So for everyone in line who tried to help or even just sympathized and said sorry this was happening, I appreciate you all. I’m going to take that vibe instead of my frustrated one and finish out my day, thanks. But before I do so,

Screw you, PFCU.

Now for the good vibes for the rest of the weekend.