Why I’ve Been MIA

2018 was my weakest writing year to date.

I maybe published three posts, and they weren’t strong pieces either.

It was honestly one of my weakest years in all respects. I’m no stranger to depressive episodes, but I’ve never fallen as deep into a rut than when I lost a good friend of mine in December 2017.

While trying to process that and mourn, I was working one job from 6am to 2pm and another job from 6pm to 11pm five, six, seven days a week for months. I spent the holidays working and away from family. I was in a toxic relationship in which my boyfriend was living off me. I did a favor for a friend and watched his deceased mother’s two cats and they wrecked my house and made my life hell for weeks longer than scheduled, and a bunch of other random things happened that further drained my already tanked energy and motivation.

And as far as my friend Mateo’s death, I couldn’t get to the memorial service, considering it was across the country in California, and I only had one reliable source of information regarding what even happened, and I still don’t know the truth. I never will, and I can’t find peace settling with any of the stories. It all hurts. It all sounds absurd. I had just seen him a few months prior…

I felt so much in so many directions that I eventually settled into an emotional catatonic state. I didn’t feel like myself, or anyone. Feeling like anything would guarantee a complete meltdown, and I had responsibilities. That’s apparently not how this stuff works, and my implosion was inevitable.

I’m doing a whole lot better, but I feel like I’m still putting myself back together over a year later. Maybe I owe myself more credit, but that’s the thing. I don’t feel like I’m doing something unless I’m doing, gaining, earning. But last year seemed to be full of loss. I lost friends, I lost jobs, I lost enjoyment in a lot of activities, I lost material things like my computer, my car, my savings, my growing liquor collection, I lost the respect I have for some of my relatives. Loss rarely feels like progress or an achievement. I couldn’t feel myself strengthening, only falling apart. Especially when I tried to DO, I tried to GAIN, but my attempts only led to more loss.

I sense that 2019 carries a different theme. I sense that different theme as not a turning of the tables, but a continuation of the work that’s been going on in my life. I’ve suffered loss, I’ve cleared my life of things unhealthy or not meant for me. I sense 2019 taking the perspectives I’ve developed through loss to help me decipher and pursue worthy gains.

And I think of Mateo.

My first “best” friend.

Because after moving so many times I refused to get too close to anyone, and I was open about not claiming anyone as my best friend. This offended Mateo, and he immediately changed my name in his phone to “Best Friend” and changed his name in my phone to the same. He emphasized it every time he greeted me thereafter.

My #1 supporter in any and everything I wanted to do.

Back in high school when I decided to try selling my knitted and crocheted accessories, Mateo bought several hat/scarf sets from me and never failed to post pictures of the pieces online. He marketed my hats better than I did.

I made those!

When my mom needed a blood transfusion, and I didn’t have anyone to take me into Beverly Hills to the hospital, Mateo picked me up. He spent time with me in my mom’s room keeping her company and making her laugh for a while.

When I needed my high school transcripts to get into Temple University, Mateo went to the school district office for me in California and paid for them to fax the documents. I still remember him calling me as he was leaving, ” I worry about our education system, Stormy. I’m glad we already graduated. It was $3 to fax the transcripts. I gave them a ten. Stormy. They gave me $8 change. Eight dollars!” He’s contributed more to my education than my parents have.

Any time we would catch up with each other since school, he was never without words of encouragement in whatever I was working on at the time. He just had such a sureness about him, whether he had a plan or not. My neurotic self relied on his confidence in things working out a lot.

Today, February 28th, is Mateo’s birthday. I don’t know a better motivation to push myself out of this inactivity than to honor my best friend by doing the things I enjoy that he always encouraged me to keep up. So I’m writing. And I’ll keep writing. And I’ll keep working on being as great a friend to the people I love that Mateo was to me. And thanks for sticking around through my hiatuses.

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8 Replies to “Why I’ve Been MIA”

  1. Wow I learned so much More about Mateo after reading this. I always remember all the cool stories I would hear about him and oh what an amazing smile he has! Continue to allow the memories of him pump to fuel you like the blood flowing throughout your veins because memories live on forever❤️. Thanks for your transparency + realness

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just reading this reminded me of how utterly shitty the last few years have been and how so much loss has stunted my progress as an illustrator.

    People will recite the cliche lines “do it for so and so” or “They’re still here if you remember them”, but it’s different from hearing a laugh, looking at their expressions and being able to talk to a physical human being.

    Going forward, I have relearned to embrace memories, songs that spark memory of individuals, relearning to embrace the people I love and value the moments (even the small ones) and including them in my artwork. Specifically my graphic novel which slowed to a crawl and now serves as a conduit…a way to revisit old friends.

    Thank you for sharing your journey. We creatives are empathic creatures, it’s what often droves the ability to paint the blank canvas. When I saw a random post of yours on my feed, I said “Oh wow, haven’t seen her in awhile” and now I now why. Happy belated Born Day to Mateo and safe journey.

    Glad you’re back,
    Corey

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Corey!

      Thanks for sharing about your struggle too, I’m glad you found a way to put your pain into working again and using your art as a way to remember the good times.

      I’m learning similar lessons in finding joy in having known Mateo more than being sad that our time together came to an end.

      I’m glad you came across my new posts and reached out! I look forward to seeing your upcoming illustrations when you share them, and best of luck on the graphic novel. Don’t beat yourself up over the time you haven’t worked on it. You have fresh perspective to add to it now, and you wouldn’t have had those same dimensions before.

      Like

  3. This a very beautiful piece and thank you for opening up and sharing a piece of your life- heart with us. Condolences for your loss, my dear. I’m proud of you for finding the strength to care on and start piecing together what life likes to throw at us. Love ya 💖💖

    Like

    1. Love you girl! Thanks for reading and I really appreciate your message. I know it’s only been forever, but I want to pick your brain writing wise very soon! Fiction is not my strength so I’d love to read some more things of yours

      Like

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