There are currently twenty-nine drafted blog posts on my dash.
Twenty-nine unfinished thoughts and half-executed ideas.
They will never come to fruition.
They’re only still there because I just made the decision to stop lying to myself that I’ll go back and finish writing them. The truth is I can’t even if I wanted to.
I thought I was just being lazy or uninspired by blanking out every time I got just enough motivation to open up a draft with the intent to finally publish it. But it’s not laziness or artsy brooding that stops me every time. I’m simply not the same person who began writing that post.
I feel like I think three days worth of thoughts in a 24 hour period. My mind never stops, and as a result, ideas and thoughts that I feel compelled to write hit me unceasingly throughout the day depending on whatever I see or am doing. Connections. Stories. Frustrations. The thought of Oh I should blog about that comes up multiple times every single day.
So why am I not posting all the time? Why do you rarely hear from me?
Because I’m an idiot, essentially. I keep telling myself that I’ll remember and I’ll write these things down later…
*Kanye glare at myself*
This site has been up for two years. I am beyond aware by now that I’m not actually going to remember anything even an hour after the fact. But this happens to be one of those lies you keep allowing yourself to be duped by, like when you say you’re just going to lie awake for a little bit after your alarm goes off before actually getting up. I’m just a very convincing individual. I get me every time.
Well, I’m sick of that, I’m sick of me. I’ve started off this year with, perhaps a rather dark new perspective but it’s working for me.
That me, who wrote those twenty-nine drafts? She’s dead now.
I’m never going to have the same perspective again to finish those articles coherently. Never. Time has passed, I’ve learned more, I’ve forgotten much, and I don’t understand the point of what I was saying at that moment. Either I’ve already settled it, or I’m on to new confusions and new intrigues, and I see the world at a slightly different angle.
So all of that to say I’m done sitting on words and I’m done trying to hold on to the dead. I look at my writing and thoughts now as a race against time. So here’s an early warning that I might make less sense than I did before with my posts, but at least it will be a more consistent barrage of madness. I think it’ll be fun.