I don’t know why I try, guys.
I try to be normal sometimes. And more often than not, it bites me in the butt.
You ever play the Am I Broke game with your bank account? It’s like Russian Roulette with your debit card. You just keep swiping it in hopes of it not getting declined. Because you need stuff, but you’re too afraid to actually check how much money you have because you’re happier when you can’t see how poor you are.
My friend used to do this at every trip to the gas station. We’d be riding around, and pull in, and she gets out of the car saying, “let’s see if there’s any money on this thing!” It always had money somehow. Her parents probably kept it funded, but the suspense of possibly being stranded was always a fun time.
I hate banks.
I’m not on some conspiracy trip or anything, I just don’t like them and all the processes that you have to go through, and all of the slips in all of the colors that I just make the tellers fill out for me because it’s too many things for me, and they won’t give me candy anymore to ease the stress that being in that building gives me. The only reason I have a bank account is so I can cash my checks and buy crap on the Internet I don’t need. And apparently not having an account is a hood thing to do and makes life a whole lot more difficult. Note that I said not having one makes life more difficult, not that having one makes life easy. Because banks suck. I swear they’re set up to do nothing but screw you over.
So like I said, I tried to be a normal, bank account having person, and…screw it. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I’m with the ol’ heads on this one. Stuff your life savings into your mattress, yo. I’d rather leave the robbing of my money left up to chance over giving people permission to take it. That little rectangular piece of plastic is my arch nemesis. It takes all of the guilt of spending money away because I can’t see my funds depleting.
I have to feel the pain of handing over my hard earned money. It makes me ask myself if a purchase is really worth it. Because I can physically see my wallet getting emptier. I can feel it getting lighter and slimmer. The descent into poverty has to be a physical happening, because I’m a kinesthetic learner. And the other terrible thing about debit cards is I ALWAYS HAVE MONEY. You can’t give an irresponsible person access to all of their money at all times! I will spend it for no reason other than it being there. And it won’t stop being there unless I have something to do about it. And I take its presence as some kind of challenge. I’m impulsive, and I like nice things! I need to be saved from myself.
Cash is my financial saving grace. Cash, lovely cash. I only bring with me an amount that I’m okay with losing. And once it’s gone, oh look, guess I’m not spending any more money today! Time to go home. Now, wasn’t that a wonderful day of NOT BEING POOR? I must do this again sometime.
I recently quit my job, and I no longer have much of a reason to be around that part of town anymore, and my credit union happens to be over there. So I don’t get the chance to take all of my money out of my account and burrow it somewhere in my home as often as I used to. Which means I have money in my account nowadays. So what I did was transfer all of my money into my savings account so I couldn’t spend it all. Then it’d be safe until I made it over to withdrawal it all. So I keep using my card waiting for it to get declined at some point, because I know I don’t have a whole lot in my checking. But it never gets declined..peculiar….
I eventually muster up the strength to look at my account balance, and do you know what I find? Apparently I had overdraft protection, so my bank will just let me charge my card into oblivion and they foot the bill and I have a certain amount of time to bring my balance back to a positive, or they charge me a fee.
Uhm excuse me, I didn’t ask you fools to pay for my french fries. If you just declined my card, I’d be more than happy to pay myself, thank you.
I called my bank and said, “What is this, make it stop, I don’t like it, leave me alone….thanks.” And they took off the overdraft protection from my account. Everything’s cool then, right?
Of course not! We’re talking about banks here!
I play Russian Roulette again for another week, actually excited at the prospect that I can lose now. And I’m still not losing. Well what the feezy are they doing now? Face my bank statement yet again, and now they’re dipping into my savings account for the money that wasn’t in my checking. You know, the savings account that I was transferring all of my funds into so I wouldn’t spend them? Yeah, that.
And this is the point where I just get livid. Because I already talked to them. ON THE PHONE. And I hate phone calls. And I loathe automated answering services. And I was tired of screaming WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH into the phone until they sent me to a live representative(it works like a charm by the way). And it was just a whole mess. AND THEY MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN. The nerve of them. Stupid banks.
“WHAT THE ACTUAL FEEZY IS THIS? DO NOT WANT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? DO. NOT. WANT. DECLINE MY FLIPPING CARD, WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? YOU’RE NOT HELPING ME. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU’RE HELPING ME.” -Me on the phone with my credit union for a second flipping time
I finally lost Russian Roulette this week. FINALLY FREE FROM MYSELF AND MY IMPULSE TO SPEND MONEY! But I checked my account today and how the heck is it in the negative a couple of cents? What happened to our agreement that I only called you twice about to ensure was done with?? I cannot even describe the instant rage that rose within me in that moment. And now they won’t let me transfer money from my savings to even it out because there’s a transfer limit or something that I didn’t know about? It’s my money! Give it to me now!!! Where the heck is J.G. Wentworth? I am so done. Beyond done! I am team cash til the day I die, and on that day, someone is gonna find wads on top of wads of money hidden away somewhere in my house because I am not having this banking bull. Not at all. Fogey life is the life for me.
This concludes my rant. I was just really feeling some kind of way today. Thanks for listening. You guys are kind of my therapists, and you do a fantastic job, I must say. Until next week.