I Didn’t Want One Anyways

To all you people out there with the generic names that everyone is familiar with, it must be nice.

It must be nice to never go through the frustration of people mispronouncing your name or spelling it incorrectly. It must be nice to have your name plastered over every pointless knickknack in every gift shop on Earth. It’s not like I’m particularly fond of any of that junk. But if I wanted to clutter my home with Maya Merch or Stormy Stuff, I’d like to have the privilege, is all I’m saying.

Prom via M&Ms

Only thing with my name on it, ever. And they were delicious.

(I said yes, btw. #throwback)

I used to hate my name growing up, but all those scars from visiting the gift shop on school field trips, and everyone but me and Sharkwandra buying personalized souvenirs have since healed.

That’s not entirely true. I’ve received a couple trinkets with my name printed on it, thanks to the misguided determination of some lovely friends of mine.

Well…kinda. It’s the thought that counts.

After a while, I came to embrace my name. It’s different, sure, but it’s kinda cool. And as one friend pointed out once,

Brandon on 'Maya'
My white friends.

That actually did nothing for my point…but who cares? I’m Maya Stormy Ray, and that’s all the point I really need. Plus, I am still just as confused but amused(conmused?) by this statement as I was when my friend said it back in high school. #morethrowback

So I thought I was over this whole my name isn’t on crap I don’t want lament. And I was…until this summer rolled along. My friend tweeted me the other day…

Share A Coke With Stormie

Oh how nifty, Coke is really going all out with these customized bottles. They even have my name! It’s spelled incorrectly, but hey, that’s still something! Something enough to make me want to drink Coca Cola. So I went on their website to see if I could buy one online or find where my name was being sold or whatever. It sends me to the UK site to look at all the names, but not before priding themselves on having printed OVER 1,000 NAMES on the page prior. Note this. Note it.

I type in ‘Stormie’ first, since that was what I saw in the tweet. This comes up.

no coke for you



Uhm, there must be some kind of mistake…Where did that picture come from then? Oh well, since I’m here, I might as well look for my first name. I mean, surely out of one thousand names, Maya would pop up…

no coke for you

Seriously? I’m not even one in a thousand??? And don’t patronize me, jerkwads. Acting like it’s cool to not have one. I scroll a bit through, curious as to what kind of names were amongst the thousand. And this is around the time when I got legitimately irked…

                           Share a Coke with ShaziaShare a Coke with Maciej Share a Coke with ShabanaShare a Coke with Ravinder

Ravinder though? RAVINDER??? What kind of name? Have you ever met a Ravinder? Like Lavender? Or…what? I just, I just can’t. I seriously doubt that anyone has EVER pressed that button right there.

Is my name really that uncommon, Coca Cola? In comparison to RAVINDER??? IS IT?!

I wanted answers. First, I looked up the name Maya on Facebook. It wouldn’t show me a number of how many Mayas had profiles, but just looking through the results, I saw that there were at least 160 Mayas that I had mutual friends with alone. And that’s just when I got tired of scrolling.

Then, I looked up most popular baby names of 2013 in the United States.

US Popular Baby Names 2013

According to Baby Center, Maya was ranked the 51st most popular baby name in the US in 2013. That’s actually higher than I expected.



reader response
Don’t think I overlooked that, cretins.

#33. Maya is flipping THIRTY-THREE in the United Kingdom.


Ma + Ya

My name is composed of two of the most BASIC sounds a human being can make. I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s a name in every culture in existence.

And even those that exist no longer… C’mon guys, like really though.

I mean right off the top of my head, I know it means sparrow in Tagalog, God’s light in Hebrew (I think), illusion in Sanskrit, narcotic drug in Japanese, and it’s the name of a Hindu goddess.

*sigh* But alas, Mayas get no love. That’s another blog post though.

Yeah so, I went through a brief period where I did exactly the opposite of what Coke asked their consumers to do. I instead shared unhappiness with every sorry soul who shared my misfortune of not having a personalized Coke bottle. Like Shanna, who started this whole debacle with her unsolicited tweeting. And anyone I met who’s name started with X or Q, because Coke apparently HATES the letters X and Q.

I could have let it go. I would have moved on. This is disappointment that I’m used to. I’ve grown with it, much like a pet.

But it kept following me…

On vacation,

Lenox Mall

Oh what a nice day shopping in Lenox Square *looks up* OR SO IT WAS.

On the Interweb,

coke commercial
Oh how fun, look at us with all our confetti and joy and Maya-less merrymaking!

But everywhere I went, Coke was just rubbing it in my face that I get no happiness.

But whatever! You know what Coke? I didn’t want your toxic concoction of chemicals anyway. Forget your soda. Forget your flash mobs outside convenience stores and doing the bernie in the streets. So happy because of your BASIC names. Forget all you common folk. Keep your “happiness,” I want no part of it.

Part of me wants to believe that Coca Cola is just holding out so they can come out with NEW NAMES every summer. But chances are I won’t care by then. So even still, screw you Coke.

I want to dedicate this post to Quentin, the drunk guy at the park who played ping-pong for three hours straight. I told him he didn’t have a Coke bottle, and he was not pleased. And neither am I. Get it together Coca Cola. For all of the Mayas, Quentins, and Xaviers of the world.

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