I can’t deny things anymore, people. I am stuck in an abusive relationship…
…with my cat.
I don’t know where everything went wrong. He used to be so sweet. He used to chill with me. He would bring me gifts. Granted I didn’t want all of those dead carcasses of unfortunate creatures in my house, but it’s the thought that counts. He used to sleep next to me every night. Things were great. But now…
I looked up warning signs of an abusive relationship the other day. Thai definitely fits the mold. Let me show you what I have to deal with.
- Extreme Jealousy
Whenever I’m on the phone with someone, Thai’s eyes get really big and he goes crazy. He starts attacking my feet and chasing me around until I hang up. He’ll passive aggressively walk all over anyone I invite over when they’re sitting on the couch. He’s peed in friends’ purses before, which they never realize until the smelly drive home. And I’ll wake up with scratches I didn’t have before following a day with friends.
“It rubs the hand across my head. It does this whenever it’s told.”
- Controlling Behavior
Did I mention that he yells a lot? Because he’s really, really loud. And he won’t stop for anything. He wakes me up early in morning everyday just to keep me too tired to run. He follows me all over my apartment to monitor what I’m doing at all times. He even barges into the bathroom when I’m using it.
“You do NOTHING without my permission. You can pee later, It’s naptime.”
I can’t get away from him. He won’t stop spraying stuff in my room. Like he’s marking me or something. And he watches me when I sleep. I wake up and see a white blur with deep, jet black eyes shining at me, hovering over my head. I’d be more comfortable sleeping next to a furby.
He pees in my shoes, so I can’t leave the house. Whenever I’m sitting down, he sits on my lap just to make sure I can’t go anywhere without him knowing. He doesn’t like me having contact with the outside world. Whenever I’m on the computer, he’ll sit on my keyboard. He screams and attacks me when I’m on the phone. When I’m about to leave, he darts out of the door and makes me chase him until I’m late for wherever I’m going. HE DOESN’T WANT ME TO LEAVE. EVER. And he hates technology. He bites my laptop in hopes that he’ll break it. He sits on my phone so I can’t find it. I…I just can’t with him.
“Oh you thought you were leaving? Yeah, about that…”
- Cruelty to Animals or Children
Thai has some serious rage issues, which he enjoys taking out on dogs and toddlers. He hates dogs. And the sound of happy children throws him into a violent fit. We took him with us to my uncle’s house once. My uncle was watching this bunch of baby pitbulls. Thai went HAYWIRE. Heartlessly, he attacked those puppies in their sleep. The poor things were terrified of him for the rest of the day. They whimpered and cowered in corners until we left. Note that this cat isn’t more than eight pounds and doesn’t look threatening at all. But he’s been banned from all of our relatives’ homes because he’s terrorized their dogs. And I won’t even get started on kids. I’ll just say that I’ve never heard Thai hiss until his first encounter with a child. And that did not end well. No kid has ever been back to the apartment.
“I am what nightmares are made of. I regret nothing.”
- Breaking or Striking Objects
My mom and I bought some nice crystal glasses one day. A set of four. We stepped away for one minute, and we hear CRASH! ……….CRASH! Upon running into the kitchen, the third one joined the pile of shattered glass that covered the floor. And there on the counter, was Thai Rone. That defiant jerkwad of a feline stared at us, eyes wide as could be, and knocked over the very last one, never breaking the stare. You can just see the joy in his eyes watching things fall and break. Heaven help us if he ever grew thumbs.
So my cat is a monster. And the absolute worst thing is him making me love him. I know he’s awful and a total controlling brat, and I want to tackle him and assert my dominance, but I never do. Because I’ll look over at him, and I think…how can I be mad at something that sleeps like this?
I have Stockholm like nobody’s business. So here’s to Thai. The bestest, scariest, cutest cat-captor ever.