Crackhead Life Lessons

So I got yelled at over the phone at work the other day. Some customer was furious because something was mislabeled and she thought her order was wrong after she got home. It wasn’t, and if she had taken a breath at some point during that call I could have told her that.

So she demands credit back on her account, and I tell her okay, but my manager has to do that, and she’s in a meeting. This woman acts as if I’m lying to her. As if I wouldn’t love to stop talking to her as soon as possible. Seriously, why would I lie? Then I tell her my manager will call her back when she’s out of the meeting if she gives me her phone number, which I later discovered was a bogus number.

The nerve of some people, I swear…

Anyways, I like to believe that you can learn great life lessons from even the worst kind of person.

So obnoxious customer, you wanted something, but you went about it the completely wrong way. You should take some tips from an expert. You know who’s great at getting what they want?


Crackheads are some very driven people, guys. They want crack, they get crack. By any means necessary. Now I’m not telling you  to demean yourselves to get what you want like some crackheads resort to. But you can respect some of their tactics.

So back to this unruly customer on the phone I had to deal with. She thinks her order is wrong. She’s upset.

What does she want? What’s her crack?

She wants her money back.

What does she do to get what she wants?

Um, scream, personally blame me for her order getting botched (which I didn’t, and it wasn’t, for the record), accuse me of lying to her, and all around wasting my time when I have other guests to tend to.

Get this, lady. It is part of my job to ensure customer satisfaction to the best of my ability. I don’t know you. I have no vendetta against you in which I am determined to ruin your day. Tell me your problem, I will fix it. Simple. But excuse me if I feel less inclined to help you when you decide to personally attack me over something trivial before I could even explain to you the situation. You can be all the angry you want, but who am I to you? I don’t have the capacity to care beyond fixing your issue, which you aren’t letting me do. Girl, bye.

See, I imagine this conversation to be much more pleasant had I been speaking with a crackhead. Granted I might look down and have my shoes inexplicably missing, but what a nice guy to deal with, y’know? Because a crackhead would understand that he needs me on his side in order to get what he wants. Crackheads aren’t hesitant to swallow their pride and do what needs to be done, in this case, keeping calm, and politely asking for their money back. I feel like crackheads understand their place in the world. They aren’t respected, they aren’t in the upper echelon of society, people generally avoid them. Crackheads know they need something else going for them if they’re going to survive…or get more crack, whichever comes first. And people seem to either not realize or refuse to understand that nobody they come in contact with on a daily basis cares about them as individuals. Family aside, you have to make people care about you. And let me tell ya, you don’t do that by yelling at pizza shop employees. Because unbeknownst to that customer, I was quite capable of getting her credit back. I’m well versed in our POS system and I know the appropriate codes. But hell if I was going to do anything above my pay-grade in response to such behavior.

So bottom line: Get your crack. Always keep in mind that you may not be important, and act accordingly.

I wish you all the crack your hearts desire, guys. Later.

UPDATE: When I returned to work the next day, my manager shared with me her later dealings with that guest after she got out of her meeting. She was still unruly, but my manager gave her a free pizza or something. Much to my surprise though, she actually said that I was a delight to speak with and was incredibly helpful when I spoke with her. What the feezy? I do not remember trying to hide my disdain for that woman even the slightest bit. But there we go, guys. I got my crack. I got her to leave me alone by acting calm and not arguing with the woman like she was goading me to do. And I even scored an extra rock by making her think I was nice! Thanks a ton, crackheads! You taught me well.


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