Motive is Everything

I can be a jerk sometimes. I don’t mean to be, it spawns from being paid to be nice to people, many of whom don’t deserve kindness. Customer service is taxing, is what I’m saying.

But as terrible and selfish a person I sometimes believe I am, it seems others don’t have the same view of me. It’s kinda like how people think I’m good with kids even though they creep me out and I’m mean to them…but they enjoy the abuse and love me against my wishes.

Children will always be a strange, gooey mystery to me, but I do think I’ve figured out why the disparity between my view of myself and others’ view exists.

Being a jerk is hard. You’re probably lonely or generally unliked by most, it takes a lot of anger, and a general dislike of happy things. Maybe the occasional kicking of small animals. I don’t know. And I simply don’t have the energy to deal with the consequences. But I’m still a jerk, I just make things easier for me by making others happy. Let me explain.

I work in a restaurant, similar layout to a Panera Bread or a Cosi, except we serve organic pizza. We have trash receptacles and a place to put your pizza boards after you are finished your meal, and when the boards stack up, I go out to collect them and get them washed, as well as clean the tables, check on guests, you know, general restaurant stuff. Sometimes when I see people sitting and talking, obviously finished with their pizza, I’ll usually walk up to them and ask to take their boards to the trash for them. My request is usually met with surprise and gratitude, and I often get complimented and some people say, “Oh gosh, you didn’t have to do that, thank you!” Sometimes I get tipped. Am I making that extra push of good service because I’m just nice? I mean maybe, but the real reason is I would just rather not have to go back into the dining room at a later time when they finally decide to leave. I’m only making it easier for myself.

I remember back in middle and high school, I loved making note of as many people’s birthdays as I could. I enjoy baking, and so I would bring in something like cookies or some cupcakes to my classmates on their birthdays. Sweet of me, right?

Wrong. I remember one of my friends, Dwayne, being so excited and touched by my notion, and I felt compelled to break it to him.

Granted, I love my friends. But do you know what else I love? Baked sugary goodness. Why not kill two birds with one cupcake? Or how about twelve cupcakes? Three or so of which will go to the birthday gal/guy. Where do the rest go?

To MEEEEEEEEEEEE. All of it. All your cake…are belong to me.

Some people might not view me as being a jerk, but I think I’m a jerk sometimes for sure. Did I get you questioning your friends? Seriously, motive is everything. The most satisfying thing about being bad is getting away with it, right? So to all the jerkheads out there, you can make the world a better place without changing who you are. Seriously, try it sometime. You can have your cake and eat your friend’s too! Happy things!

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